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“What can I do to help?
“Please let me know what I can do to help.”
“I want to help.”
“Please tell me how to help.”
I’ve said all these variations and more many times over the past couple months, to my mother. I know other people have too. She’s the primary caregiver to my very ill father – a role that she accepts without question or complaint, but oh, my God, it’s a weird, special sort of hell.
She never goes anywhere – she’s lived with a broken tooth for two months now, unable to keep a dentist appointment in the midst of my father’s never-ending barrage of appointments with cardiologists and pulmonologists and therapists and ists, ists, ists. She never does anything for herself, short of sneaking away for a half hour late at night to read a few chapters of a book. I arrived this week to find the refrigerator stocked with applesauce and yogurt and nutritional shakes for my dad but absolutely no food for my mother to make for herself. (I asked her if she wanted me to pick up any dessert from a local restaurant and she immediately reminded me of my dad’s diabetes, because it simply didn’t occur to her that I was offering to bring something for HER.)
People offer help and she’s more apt to stammer polite thanks than accept it. The help she has accepted – unsurprisingly – revolves around my dad. Getting him down the stairs and into the car for appointments, picking up prescriptions, restocking their supply of applesauce and nutritional shakes.
You know what my mom really wants? And needs? What anyone in her situation probably wants and needs? A clean house.
She needs the laundry done and furniture dusted and surfaces de-cluttered, but all these tasks pale in comparison to my father’s needs, so they go undone. She practically wept with gratitude when a home health aide came and changed the bedsheets and vacuumed (you know, because she was paid to do that). She wants nothing more than clean kitchen counters and folded towels and anything that makes life seem a little less like it is now, and more like it once was.
I was asked to write things here that celebrate the pleasure of having a clean home. Instead, I’m asking you, if you know someone like my mom, to give THEM the pleasure of a clean home. Run the vacuum while they take a few minutes to sit and stare into space or enjoy a cup of tea. Bring by a casserole and quietly toss out the expired milk and fuzzy produce that has gone unnoticed during a long vigil at the hospital. Load the dishwasher, bring the garbage cans in from the curb, lend them your air purifier and offer to sort through the towers of junk mail. If the medical emergency involved a fall or accident inside the home, make sure the stains and evidence are washed away clean before they get back from the hospital.
It’ll be a huge help. My mom totally says so too.
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So true. And it’s a great feeling to actually do something useful, in a situation where you are helpless in terms of addressing the biggest problem.
These are great suggestions. I sometimes feel a bit awkward with going into somebody elses home and cleaning and such. But knowing how much it really helps them, will help me get over it. Thanks for sharing.
I don’t know how likely your mom is to accept the help, and I know you’re far away, but my mom is VERY happy to accept help (maybe a titch TOO happy, if you ask me) so I paid for a cleaning service (well, one person) to come once a month and do the big cleaning that she just can’t manage anymore. Presented it to her as a fait accompli, and she was thrilled. I was worried about insulting her for no reason, should have done it years ago.
It’s so hard to know how to help someone in a situation like this. Thanks for the great advice.
Point well made. After my grandfather died, my mother (who’d been caring for him) realized that when someone asked what they could do she was too tired and overwhelmed to even be able to think of something. But, when they said “I’ll bring dinner by tonight” or “give me your errands list so I can take care of it,” it was an amazing support.
Oh, so true. My mom moved in with my grandmother when she was ailing, and the house fell apart at the seams. And it was just one more thing to frustrate my neat-freak mother.
This is an amazing blessing. My (28 year old) husband suffered from a viral infection in his heart last summer and after spending a week in the ICU we came home to a house that was cleaner than I had ever seen it. A group of our friends had come in to take care of it and nothing could have helped us, or blessed us more than that.
Great ideas! Having a clean house helps things run more smoothly especially when someone is sick.
When my father in law died, my mother found it amazingly helpful to get the car detailed and all his things put together in one bag. She just couldn’t handle doing it herself. It’s the same idea.
Genius. You have hit the nail on the head with the caregiver/help thing and the same with the solution. I happen to be one of those people that can’t take help. It doesn’t matter if I need it or not, I just can’t do it. You can’t care for the care giver. I will tell you though, if someone came in and folded my laundry or vacuumed my floors for me I would probably break down in tears as well. And then make them dinner.
This is also brilliant because the other thing it lets you do is feel useful and competent in a situation where you want to do more and find yourself feeling unable to do anything. A clean house won’t make anything better but it strangely can make it a little easier to bear.
This is so true. Also, since having a baby myself this will be something I plan to do for my friends or family members who have a new baby. You either feel guilty because you are doing what you should be doing, sleeping, or you neglect your own health for a clean house.
Great advice to friends who feel helpless during a family crisis. Thanks Amy!
I daydream about starting a charity where this is what we do - go clean houses for people who are struggling with medical issues. A clean house is so important for a person’s health, attitude and happiness, I think. This post is a great reminder!
Great advice - a messy house isn’t the worst thing in the world but it can add stress to an already lousy situation. I think the best idea is to do it without making a fuss about it, ie. putting fresh milk in the fridge without the family knowing…
my mom was real sick, my dad was real exhausted caring for her, i was frazzled beyond belief…. cousins showed up one day, complete with groceries, cooked a delicious meal and cleaned up afterwards. 8 years later I still weep with gratitude.
I used to laugh at the idea of people bringing food when someone was sick or after a death, but when my dad was in the hospital for the last week of his life and we were staying there with him, it was a godsend to have people show up with a pot of soup or a casserole.
Six hours after he died, people were coming to my grandmother’s house with food. This, in the town where he and my mom had not lived for 33 years. But they knew who he was and they knew what was needed, which was food.
Now I know when a friend is sick or has just had a baby that my responsibility is to walk up to her door with a lasagne.
So true - the mess can just become overwhelming, on top of everything else going on, who really wants to deal with the chaos that can build up when you aren’t looking. This is a great way to help people in need - even just mowing someone’s lawn or cleaning out their fridge can do wonders to lift someone’s spirits. I remember when my Aunt was sick, her sister and caregiver, wanted nothing more than to get her car washed…but couldn’t leave to run even that simple errand, and it was bothering her. She knew that a clean car would make her feel better, in a small way, but had to keep postponing it. If I had been of a legal driving age at the time, I would have done it for her. Something to think about…
So true - I remember even when I was first home with my newborn that is what I asked my mom to do - run some laundry and go to the grocery store. I can imagnie if when home with someone sick how those kinds of things just fall to the way side. Great post, Amalah!
That made me a little teary. I promise I’ll do somethng you suggested for the next person i know who needs it.
Great writting as usual Amy.
Good advice. I usually feel useless in situations like that. Thanks!
what a wonderful and easy way to help. great idea!
very nice post - you can’t imagine my home after returning from 9 weeks in the hospital.
Beautiful post, and great advice.
If there isn’t a lot you can do to help a loved one (perhaps because they are in hospital), I find cleaning very theraputic in taking my mind off things. I’ve spring cleaned my way through three major family illnesses so far and having SOMETHING you can actually DO is very comforting.
Also, from a practical point of view, a super clean house is also helpful in reducing the infection risk for anyone recovering from an operation or illness.
When my grandfather was dying, my mom’s best fried flew to Dallas from Mississippi and spent a week doing laundry, dusting, cleaning out the refrigerator, etc. It was hands-down the best thing anyone did for us during that whole awful time.
This is so, so true. I haven’t experienced long-term illness, but I know that when I was freshly home from my c-section I was SO THANKFUL for my mom and sisters, who came over and cooked, cleaned and washed mountains of tiny baby clothes.
Also, when my grandfather passed away in the fall of 2005, my husband raked all the leaves on my grandma’s lawn for her. It was a simple thing, but years later she still tells me how that touched her. Sometimes it really IS the little stuff.
In a twist of fate, I read your advice before my grandmother was coming home from the hospital. I only had time to run the vacuum and wipe down the bathroom, but she was so appreciative! Now while she recovers, I know what I can do to really help instead of just sitting on the couch and trying to think of things to talk about while keeping her company. Thanks for the ideas, you’re wonderful!
Even moms…those who take their kids to therapies and cook them Gluten-free and Casein-free meals…give someone like that a hand. I lived with the constant running until a couple of months ago when we realized our darling boy will be just fine…but parents with honest-to-goodness special needs kids could use a little pick-me-up pick-up around their houses too!
Amy, you’ve given me a great idea for my friend w/a newborn. Thanks and I’m keeping your dad (and Mom) in my thoughts and prayers.
Well said. Going to volunteer to help a friend right now.
Great advice. Cleaning isn’t something that I usually think about in that situation.
The first thing to go is yourself, then your house in time of need. Fabulous idea, and thanks for the selfless post.
Not quite the same thing, but I cleaned my sister’s house for her while she was in the hospital having my new nephew. The new family was less stressed when they came home to a cleaner house and then my brother in law washed my car for me. Everyone wins!
You are so right. People keep bringing food to our house because I’m sick. But really, we’re pretty picky about our food and you may be wasting your time and money because we might not eat what you make. But if you cleaned for us? Or sent someone to clean? WOW! What I wouldn’t give for some clean laundry and less clutter.
Wow, great advice. Years ago my sister was very sick and had to have a procedure. She stayed at my mom’s house because her husband had to work. The day she went to the hospital I went into the room where she was saying and cleared the surfaces, dusted, vacuumed, changed the sheets, etc. When she came home to the freshened up room, she cried. And I’m not a cleaner…heck, I don;t clean my own house. But I know how good it feels when someone does something so “practical” like that.
Keeping your folks in my prayers, Amy.
I have also had friends do this for me when I am deep in a depressive state. It is so incredibly helpful and such a great blessing.
I am trying to do some of the same for my grandparents, but they are having such a hard time accepting help